H = Harold Steptoe, A = Albert Steptoe PG1/2 = Palace Guards

H: Getcha finger out, we aint got all day

A:Oh me feet, I can't go on. I shouldn't be tramping round the streets 
at my age, at this hour of the morning.

H:Oh gawd, pata please don't keep on moaning. And keep you're voice down. You sound like something out of Coronation Street, you show me up wherever we go.

A:Well it's me feet, you know I've got bad feet.

H:It's not your feet, it's them boots, I told you not the wear them boots. I bought you home a lovely pair of plimsoles didn't I.

A:I'm not wearing plimsoles in this weather. They got holes in 'em.

H:I cut up that Shreaded Wheat box, didn't I. That was a lovely fit they was.

A:I'm not walking round with Shreaded Wheat boxes in me shoes, it's not hygenic. Ah, these boots is alright.

H:Well stop maoning then.

A:See me all the way through the 14-18 was they did. I stood there for four years. Mus was up to there it was. Won the war boots like these did. We always got good boots in the British Army. We was famous for them. Yeah, if the German's had had boots like this, things might have been different. You might'n have been here for a start. No, these boots is alright, They just hurt me feet, that's all. I still don't see why we couldn't have boght out the 'orse and cart.

H:Because you are not allowed to bring horses and carts down The Mall.

A:Dehhh. Course you are, I've seen hundreds of them. And they don't only have one horse, they've got 'undreds of them.

H:Oh you ignorant ol' man. They are not carts, they are carriages. There is a difference. They're only used for stat occassions, like showing the visiting nob's round London. And the opening of Parliament, whenever that's going to be.

A:'Ere, we ought to get one of them. They're proper big arn't they. Get a lot of junk into one of them. And keep it dry, better than that tarpaulin.

H:We're not having one. They're not designed for our trade. You'd never get a bath or a gas stove through them little gold doors. And you're not getting me up there with a jockey hat and the white stockings on, no.We have enough trouble cleaning up after one horse, let alone eight of them.

A: Eh

H:No and that is final. Now what sort of a day have you had.

A:Marvellous, I got a lovely load of junk out of that big house back there.

H:Cool........You ain't been in there. Ehhh, you're joking. 

A:I'm not

H:You great nit, you're get us bunged in the tower. I told you this morning I would do Downing Street and you would do Birdcage Walk. Your terms of reference did not include totting round Buckingham Palace - Birdcage Walk

A:Yeah I done Birdcage Walk, there was nothing there so I popped back here.

H:You went through the front gates.

A:No 'course I didn't. I went round the back, tradesman's entrance. I know me place. I don't know what you're kicking up a fuss about, they got junk in there just the same as everywhere else. Big house like that, it stands to reason. They're probably grateful to have somebody come round to collect. There's a lot of people live's in there you know. Not only them. A lovely fella came to the door, charming he was. Funny thing he had a woman's name, Ada Camp. he looked alright to me.

H:I don't know where you get the gall. It must be ignornace. I mean I could no more walk up to Buck House, knock on the door and ask if you got any old rags and bones, than fly to the moon. I suppose you'll have a coat of arms on the cart tomrrow, won't you. By Royal Appointment, rag and bone collector. I shall just have to write and apologise, I shall just have to crave indulgence that's all.

A:Oi, better we had it than the dustman, ain't it. I got a lovely load of stuff here, much better quality than the stuff we usually get hold of.

H:I should hope it is, but that's hardly the point is it. I mean it's a question of protocol, the court circular and all that. The least you could have done is poked our card through the letteer box, announcing our intention of calling. Not just go bang on the door willy nilly.

A: But I didn't. I left our card, and a sack

H:Oh gawd. Now they know where to find us. There's just no precedent for it. Well look, you can go back on your own, I'm not going home.

A:Why not?

H:Listen mate, obviously you got in by some fluke. But you can reckon that by now, machinery has been set in motion mate, and when you get home, you'll find two large gentlemen with raincoats waiting. Wearing boot's a blooming site better than the one's you got on there. Goodbye.

A:Eh don't you wanna see what I got?

H:Pata, I don't think you realise the import of what you have done. I mean, they're not gonna let this pass. They're very particular whe they let in there. I mean there's all sort of nutters in the country. They don't want dirty old men like you tramping all over their Cyril Lord.

A:They got some lovely stuff in there.

H:I bet they have, they've been collecting longer than us.

A:What about that. I bet you never seen a mallet as big as that.

H:That's his polo stick, you nit, he'll be looking for that. You didn't nick it did ya, you didn't take it out the umbrella stand?

A: No course I didn't. No this Ada Camp went to see if he had anything for us, and a, a little boy comes to the door. He sold it to me.

H:Honest, what did you give him for it?

A:Oh, one of those little windmills on a stick. It's not bad is it.

H:Eh, I think I'll get Hercules out and have a gallop round the yard. A quick chucka. Did he give you anything else, did you get any woolens?

A:Got this off him.

H:What's that

A:Not a bad dressing gown is it.

H:Put it on, put it on. Turn round, turn round. Oh very nice, here that's quality gear that is mate. That's not a bad piece of shmatter. Here that ain't nylon you know, that's reall Ermin. Where's the chord.

A:Oh it's not here

H:Never mind, winters coming on, that'll do very nice on the bed that will.

A:It's not bad for a balloon, eh

H:You crafty old devil.

A:I got some marvellous stuff here. Look here it is, a cow's horns.

H:It's a Buffalo

A: Yeah and I got an Elephants foot and a lions head and a model of the old bridge in Australia all made out of Kangaroo's teeth and a Mangon

H:You did very well there the best thing you can do is slide out of here quick.

PG1:Stand still you 'orrible little civilians. Are these the men?

PG2: Yes sir, that one, the little one

PG1:You dozy cobblers, yoursupposed to stop people coming in. Well, don't just stand there, surround them. Come on and hand it over.

A:Hand what over?

PG1:The sack, what else.

H:Look this is my dad, he ain't took nothing that don't belong to him.

PG1:No well lets have a look here, what we got here, hey what we got here? Well what's this his flat hat.

H:Oh my gawd it's the crown

PG1:You're on you're way to the salt mines. You're under arrest

A:I paid for that, I paid for that I tell you. I gave three marbles for it

H:Shut up, you wait until I get home

PG1: You're under arrest

H:It's not my fault I was doing Downing Street mate.

A:Look I fought for men like you in the 1914-18 war.

H:Look he's not responsible, he needs a medical certificate mate. Honest, we didn't mean no disrespect, we're not Bol shev icks or anything like that. We slept out here all night to see the coronation didn't we.

A:Yeah and we always stand up for the National Anthem

H:We never slide out before the picture ends, never.

PG1:You're under arrest, parade of guard follow me, quick march.









